2018 family holiday part one: Darwin

Much to my distress I still had the flu all the way up until when we went to Darwin. I didn't get to go out for dinner with Ri while Mum watched the kids, as planned. 

Mid July our family of four took my Mum to Darwin to spread my grandparents' ashes. My grandparents died in the 1990s, little did Mum know, my Aunty kept their ashes in her home instead of taking them to the place they wished to be scattered. Which was Darwin. I was born in Darwin and my grandparents moved from Melbourne to Darwin to help Mum raise me when she fell pregnant during nursing school (oh the scandal!). She was 29. Had been married for 10 years. Yet my existence was still a wee bit of a surprise. 

Grandma passed away first. I only have 3 or 4 vivid memories, the rest are just a sense. I remember having a milkshake she'd made and thinking it was the best most comforting thing. Like a hug. Made with love. 

Grandpa died 5-6 years after Grandma so I have more memories. He was the very definition of curmudgeonly. He and my younger brother locked horns a bit. From my point of view it was mostly just funny to watch. 

We left Darwin to move to Adelaide when I was Immy's age and my little brother was Archie's age. I liked how that worked out. My goal was to give Mum a week in Darwin with two happy healthy children. I enjoyed hearing about Mum's life in Darwin. 

Darwin was so beautiful. It was the first time I have been crushed by the sacrifice that my parents made. They moved so far. To help me. They left friends and a lifestyle behind. For me. I can't imagine Immy being that sick. I can't imagine being told she most likely won't survive past the age of 16. I'm so lucky. To have my selfless parents and my healthy daughter. 

Much to the surprise of me and my Mum. We had a great time. I love my Mum. But we get on each others nerves. We can't live together... we bicker so much. 

I didn't have a very big list of things to do. My to do list was: 

Scatter ashes, feed fish, see litchfield park, ?zoo, ?croc farm, DONT BICKER WITH MUM.

We managed to fill up a week with activities and it was brilliant. 

I don't know if I'll ever go back. But I'm glad Grandma and Grandpa finally get to rest where they wished to be left to rest in peace. 

 

Influenza A

I just need to wait. 

I'm exhausted. It's been just over a week of the flu.

Coughing, headaches, fevers. 

I can't think straight.

 I can't recruit.

I'm pretty contagious, most people I've come in contact with have caught it.

I'm so frustrated. 

Seventh birthday party

Emoji Party

Seven years ago I was at the Royal, about to spend my fourth night in hospital because of high blood pressure, the original reason for my admission, which was followed up with early labour. The Drs managed to stop the early labour on the 23rd. On the 24th (today is the 24th) they set the date for my daughters birth, moved forward from July 8th to late June. 

She was born at 36 weeks and 4 days and she was just fine. She was born screaming, like most babies. I can still remember the moment they put her on my chest. I said "hello" and she stopped crying and tried to look at me, with her dark, almost black, eyes. She couldn't get her eyes to look in the same direction for the first couple of days. She eventually got the hang of it. Her eyes eventually lightened through shade of teal, they are now light blue, almost grey in some lights. They're beautiful. 

 

I, like most mums, like to reflect on this first cuddle and how our world changed that day. 

I know I'm biased, but she's just such a great kid.

She's kind. 

She's thoughtful. 

She believes in justice, she tries to make the world a more fair place. 

She's so happy. 

She's creative. 

She loves to sing.

She loves gymnastic. 

Her memory is amazing. 

I'm still in awe of her now, like I was on that first day.  

The first time we were left alone in the hospital room, I remember sitting next to her cot and I explained to her how I wasn't like other mums. That I'd had rheumatoid arthritis since I was two years old. I explained that I wasn't sure how on earth I was going to manage this whole mum gig. But I promised to do my best, but I'd probably need her help along the way. 

She's been Mummy's little helper from the start. Like instinctively she knew that she needed to help me out. Small things like arching her back when I went to pick her up as a small baby, crawling to me in a chair and standing up to help me pick her up from the ground when she was 6m-7m. She's always been very physically strong, I think it part because she's had to be. 

I can't believe she's already seven years old. Well almost. 

My Messy Home

My very own super hero

Have you seen those super hero movies where even the super hero has to make a choice? Like in Superman when Superman could only stop one of the two missiles that Lex sent in different directions or in Batman where Batman is presented with saving Robin or Dr Chase Meridian. They're both able to eventually save everyone by spinning the globe in the opposite direction or using high tech gadgets and ropes. As I get older I'm beginning to feel less like a super hero. I'm beginning to tell myself that it's okay to make a choice. I don't have to do everything. 

So I'm letting somethings go.

My rheumatoid arthritis is so severe that I cannot bend down and touch the ground, so to pick up toys I have to use a pick up stick (which can't grip everything) or balance and use my toes to pick things up. When the kids were younger I used to try to clean up the days messes the best I could using that method. It's exhausting. 

Two years ago I decided to start my PhD, I also work part time and I'm doing my best to be a happy present parent. My cleaning has always been far from perfect, but I've long ago decided to let it go. 

 I've had someone tell me I should stop working so hard on my PhD and put more energy into keeping the house tidy. It made me wonder why it's my job. If I was a man with rheumatoid arthritis I doubt these expectations would be placed on my shoulders. 

My priority will always be my children and them having a happy childhood. Our choices may mean that it's going to be a bit messy. I hope they forgive me. 

And if you're coming over, please excuse the mess. 

And now for something a little bit different

My Uni

I'm a little bit tired of recruiting. So I'm delighted to be doing something different thing week. I'm been given the opportunity to mark some exams for one of my supervisors and I'm actually really enjoying it. It's currently Friday night and I'm hoping to have 79 exams marked by Wednesday. Oh and it's my daughters seventh birthday party this weekend. And I'm visiting a participant on the morning of the party because no other time suited the participant and my drop out rate has been devastating me (I really appreciate their time - I'm in no way complaining about them giving up their time for me, I'm just commenting on being busy). I've downloaded a handful of apps to try and find one that helps me organise my projects/tasks; both personal and professional. I'm hoping to write a post about my experiences soon. 

This weekend will have to be run with military precision. I'm excited that my baby is turning seven, I'm also appreciating the new task of marking, oh so much. Taking bets as to when I'll be over it. 

The count down is on 'til my long service starts - 3 weeks to go!

Rawr

QLD museum

My family does not adhere to gender norms very well. And sometimes it hurts. My son is very attached to his Daddy, like a lot of children get very attached to Mum. "Only Mum will do."

Except it's not Mum. It's Dad. I'm currently lying in bed at midnight, feeling rejected. As only Dad will do. 

Alas, Ri is out tonight with some mates, something that he basically never gets to do. So it's just me and the kids for the evening. Everything went fine until we reached the end of story time and it was time to go to sleep. My almost-seven-year old said goodnight and immediately fell asleep. My son, my four year old, my Arch, begged me to sleep next to him. When I snuggled in next to him he started screaming for me to get out. Only Daddy would do. And my heart still hurts. 

Arch ended up coming to my room, apologising and asking me to come back and lie next to him while he fell asleep. After begging me for Daddy, one more time.

I've always taken great pride in Ri's parenting, he is amazing with our children. And me feeling insufficient as a Mum has nothing to do with him being amazing. 

I'm feeling tired and anxious in myself, it was hard not to burst into tears and let the four year old know in no uncertain terms how he hurt my feelings. But I honestly don't think it's Archie. 

So I swallowed my pride, put him to sleep... and wrote a blog post about it instead. 

 

Long service

Me in Rome September 2010

 In just over a month I'm going on long service leave. And in a twist  that is surprising for me/any one who knows me, we're not using that time to travel. My husband and I have been to around 30 countries together and the kids have been to 7. I'm trying to keep Immy's country count above her age. 

I had thought that my long service would be used to visit Ri's father in France, but I think Archie is a year or two away from being ready to go to Europe (and not make our lives miserable). 

I know that I don't have to take my leave, but I feel as though I'm at a turning point and I need to focus on my research for a few months.  Will I miss my clinical role too much? Or can I leave it behind? I honestly don't know. 

I'm just recovering from another episode of imposter syndrome, I worry that if I leave my clinical job, that all I'll have left is that feeling that I'm in over my head. On the other side of that coin, for what equates to one day a week of pay, my clinical job takes quite a bit of energy (I find myself thinking about my patients a lot). 

I've got too many balls in the air and something has got to give. So I'm going on leave. 

Pain and fear

My left shoulder hurts.
It hurts a lot.
It hurts so much that I've decided to stay home from my sister in law's birthday dinner.
Not something that I do lightly.

Having had RA since 1987 I am not new to pain. But I'm new to staying home when it's getting too much and allowing myself time to rest.

I've started looking into shoulder replacements. I've had my hips and knees replaced in 2001 and 2003 respectively. I've always been of the opinion that hip and knee replacements are better quality than shoulder replacements.
And even if the technology has improved, the thought of getting a replacement now is different to when I was looking at getting my hips replaced.
I was sixteen when I got my hips replaced and I knew everything would work out for the best. I didn't consider the things that could go wrong. I literally blocked my ears singing *lalalalalala* when my surgeon listed the risks prior to the surgery. My logic was if I didn't know what could happen then it wouldn't. Flawless logic, I know.
But now I'm afraid. What if something happens? What if I'm left with nerve damage?
What if I got an infection and died? Is it worth leaving my kids behind?
I've gone from one extreme to another.

So the next step will probably be to get another direct into the joint injection.

Some of my favourite quotes...

I think my work space/s are missing quotes. Inspirational quotes to motivate me during my monthly freak outs. The problem is I find a lot of quotes cheesy to too serious. Come with me on an adventure on google to find a nice quote...

Quote one: I like this one as my mother is always going on about phones...

“I've come up with a set of rules that describe our reactions to technologies:
1. Anything that is in the world when you’re born is normal and ordinary and is just a natural part of the way the world works.
2. Anything that's invented between when you’re fifteen and thirty-five is new and exciting and revolutionary and you can probably get a career in it.
3. Anything invented after you're thirty-five is against the natural order of things.”

Quote two: From the book Goodnight stories for Rebel girls. I just love cake  too. 

 

Quote three: one of my favourites because her words are being remembered...

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” 
― Maya Angelou

Quote four: this is just true 

We accept the love we think we deserve.” 
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Quote five: oh I think I like this one

People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.-Zig Ziglar

PhD parent: guilt

Mother's guilt

To be honest it isn't something that I experienced before I started my research. I started when my daughter was four and my son was two. I've always felt as though I am doing my best to be the best mum that I can be. Sure we get a lot of (much appreciated) help from their grandparents, but I've always justified that as being good for the kids and our parents. 

But this year, I don't feel as though I am putting in sufficient mum hours. I can often be found on a laptop, distracted. I find it easier to assess some participants on the weekends. Some weeks I feel like I barely get to have a conversation with my kids that isn't "have you done your homework?" "where are your shoes" "brush your hair" "what do you want for dinner?".

This is my dream and when it is going well it seems like it is worth it. But doing those bad weeks I feel like I am wasting their childhoods. They're only little once, after all.

Every year I try to make sure that we go on holidays for at least two weeks, to spend time together as a family. And I try to get to school events when I can. But I'm not exactly a part of the P&C. 

I'm trying. 

Writing every day

Look at the cute puppy - our cavoodle Chester

"Just know everything." - My high school chemistry teacher. 

At this point in time, the easiest option would be to just sit down and read for a month straight - or as long as it takes to just know everything about what I am doing.
Being a part time PhD student is really taking it's toll on me this year. I'm finding it harder to stay on track, keep things in my mind and switch between my clinical job and research. Not to mention parenting and dealing with my rheumatoid arthritis and all the joys that come with that.

I've been recruiting this year, and I like to think that I'm good with people, but I have to say that the drop out rate this month has been beyond disheartening. I've had some highs and lows this year and the unpredictable nature of the next low keeps me up some nights.
I've made some big changes to my project in the last month. I've spoken to another statistician who has encouraged me to frame my research project as an exploratory study. Instead of testing a hypothesis I am developing one. Which makes sense to me.
With every month that passes I am learning more. Sometimes growing in confidence, sometimes being swallowed by anxiety. Sometimes I hear myself saying something and think *ooo that sounded clever*, other times I am a deer in the headlights, red hot with embarrassment and positive I am only capable of speaking nonsense.

I'm applying to take long service from my clinical job to focus on my research. I'm not sure what will happen next. 

Published

Aphasia and reperfusion therapies in hyper-acute settings: A scoping review.

Has been published. It can be found at Int J Speech Lang Pathol. 2018 Apr 3:1-13. doi: 10.1080/17549507.2018.1448894.

I'm excited. I'm proud. I'm nervous. I'm frustrated, because I always think I could have done a better job. 

There are at least four more articles to come for my thesis alone. 

I'm excited. I'm nervous. 

This year in travel

image from Big Cat Green Island Reef Cruises

After our trip to Singapore and Hong Kong at the end of 2017 we decided that this year we would not leave Australia. Hoping to save up for a trip to Europe to visit Rhy's Dad next year. A trip we keep saying will be "next year" but we're waiting for our youngest to be ready for a busy and long holiday. I've so many places I want them to see, and I have a few places I'd like to add to my country count. 

Usually when we holiday at home we go to Adelaide, Melbourne or Sydney - all places that family and dear friends call home. But this year we are heading north and I am so excited. 

We are planning to go back to where I was born, a place I haven't been back to since I was 6 or 7. Since I was my daughters age. Darwin. We're spending a week in Darwin with my mum. She's going to give us a little bit of a tour of my childhood. And we are going to spread my grandparents ashes. My Grandma and Pa both died in the 1990s, they died in Melbourne but both said they'd like their ashes scattered in Darwin. I only heard this three or four years ago. I was a bit shocked to find my grandparents had moved around the country with us. In little containers in the garage. I want to see their final wishes granted. The last of them to pass away - Pa - died when I was 11, so I never really did anything for them while they were alive. Other than bring them that unique grandparent joy only grandchildren can bring. 

After Darwin we are heading over to Cairns to visit some friends who moved to Cairns in January. We're spending a few nights on Green Island (the pic above) and I cannot wait to take Imogen snorkeling now that she is a much stronger swimmer. 

So this is what I am looking forward to this winter.  

 

2018

Welcome to 2018. Ok, welcome the the 85th day of 2018. I'm clearly doing a brilliant job at writing everyday.  This year is going well, so far. We moved into our new home at the start of the year, my health is back on track and my PhD is steadily chugging along. I'm deep into the recruitment phase. It's been an interesting learning curve. Most people are so polite and don't want to say no straight away. Being "part-time"  has also added another level of difficulty to recruitment, initially I thought it would just be an advantage as I would have time overall to recruit, but I have less time in the week. Let's see if I can come back tomorrow and expand on the other things I've been up to,

Cheers.

Pausing recruitment

We're off to Singapore tomorrow and I am feeling a bit anxious about pausing recruitment, I felt like I was just getting on a roll with my contacts and knowing where to be and who to ask to find participants.
I stopped earlier than planned because my husband and children were in a car accident on Saturday (they are fine, just some grazes and a little shaken up) and my car was wrecked.

It's the only car that I feel comfortable driving, so the loss of my car resulted in drawing my 2017 recruitment to an end 3-4 days early.
We also have to move out of the airBnB tomorrow and our apartment is not quite ready, so we've got to distribute our stuff all over the northern suburbs of Brisbane before we leave.

We need this holiday. Our family has had a stressful year.

We have some good news! Our house has settled and the keys have been handed over.

I'll head over to our travel blog while we are overseas and post about our trip there. 

Preparing for our holiday

I picked up my passport today, it's not long until we're overseas for a couple of weeks, for a short but much needed holiday. I'm trying to organise my thoughts about where we should go. Travelling with a three year old and a six year old, I don't want to push them too hard, here are some of the places on my Singapore to-do list.

Singapore 

S.E.A Aquarium 
Opens at 10am open until 7pm, appears to be open 7 days a week. ?Monday.
$30/adult 

Universal Studios 
Opening hours 10am-9pm
?fireworks at 9:30pm. 

Adventure Cove Waterpark 
around $38 
Or was it wild wild wet?

Gardens by the Bay 
?Christmas Wonderland 

Singapore zoo 
8:30-6:00pm 
?breakfast with orangutans $232.84 

Santa in Singapore 
The Winter Wonderland at Marina Bay Sands wouldn't be complete without Santa himself. So, don't miss out on meeting him and make sure you've been extra good this year to make it onto Santa's nice list! He’ll be at MBS from 15 November until 23 December everyday from 5:00pm to 9:00pm and at 12:00pm to 4:00pm on weekends and Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.
Tanglin mall: Take a picture with Santa Claus in a magical Christmas setting! The photos will be printed instantly and presented in a beautiful Christmas folder. Don't miss to meet Santa from 22nd of November to 23rd of December, 11:00am to 7:00pm and on the Christmas Eve from 11:00am to 4:00pm.
At the airport? If your family is up for an adventure, then make your way to Changi Airport Terminal 3, where you can experience a magical Christmas at Bikini Bottom! Meet up with SpongeBob SquarePants and write your Christmas wish and receive a special gift!

We also have a week in Hong Kong!

This too shall pass

We're days away from December 2017, and 2017 and all of the issues it has thrown at us appear to be coming to an end, all at once.
Our house is going unconditional tomorrow (hopefully). I would definitely recommend selling your own home, I'm going to do a post with tips and tricks to make the process smoother for other people.
Our apartment is getting there, Rhys took some photos this afternoon and the new floors are down.
Our holiday is just over two weeks away! We're off to Singapore and Hong Kong. Somewhere new for a change, instead of a fourth trip to Hawaii since Imogen was born (I really love Hawaii! I could visit every year).
My health is getting there, sure I have issues that I'm still working on, but I'm up and functioning. September/October seem like a bad dream.
I'm recruiting again (well trying!).

So future me, deeper into your PhD, please remember how bad spring 2017 got.
The pain of untreated RA, the stress and uncertainty of our living arrangements. The exhaustion that came with trying to hide every problem from the kids. If you made it through 2017 you can make it through the next thing. Good luck. 

Australia says YES to love

 I was so relieved when my country didn't chuck a Brexit or Trump yesterday morning when the Australian Bureau of Statistics announced that love won. We didn't have an insane silent majority, too afraid to let their bigot flags fly in public. No, the vote mirrored what you can see out in public, it was similar to the opinion polls. It's time for equality.

Australia voted yes when asked the question should same sex couples be allowed to marry.

The postal vote really annoyed me, I've been married for 7 years, why are you asking me if another couple should be allowed to get married? It really is none of my business. Rhys asked me to marry him on March 29th 2008 and I said yes. I feel like that should have been the first and last time I had a say on whether a wedding should go ahead or not.

But if we're having a vote, I am voting YES. And I made sure that everyone where I was living at the time (mums house) voted YES too. Grabbing their mail, watching them tick yes and making sure that they were posted back that same day.

When the stats man announced that Australia had voted yes I cried. Relief that the world isn't as bad as I feel like it is right now. While I was easily able to get married, I still know what discrimination feels like, I know it when I see it. I know what it is like to be rejected from an institution because of things about me that are out of my control.
I hope that our government passes it into law quickly. I look forward to 2018 being the year of "I do".
Congratulations to the LGBTQ+ community. 

Just need to write the next post

I have really been struggling to complete any one project this week, bouncing between reading abstracts for an upcoming conference, writing an ethics proposal for a retrospective study, recruiting and data entry of the data that I have so far. I'm finding that I have islands of time when I am extremely successful and get my goals for the time done. But I've had a lot of potato time this week. Sitting in front of the laptop, feeling like a potato. I have a lot of good intentions, but I'm burning through my energy very quickly. Or even finding it hard to get a day started.  And then I feel my anxiety levels rise. I am have not met my goals for the morning so the entire day feels like a write off. Which just isn't true, most of my best work is completed in the afternoon or at night, I just need to get used to setting aside that time for PhD work and face the fact that, when it comes to self-directed learning, I'm never going to be a morning person. 

At least I've added to the blog. 

A case of the Mondays

In this situation I'm my own co-worker

Can you get a bad case of the Mondays working from home? I swear out of all the days of the week, I struggle the most on Mondays. I spent this morning reading. I answered some emails in the afternoon, but it was not until after 2pm that my work ethic really kicked in and I finished off a task I'd been meaning to complete this morning. Leaving this afternoon's tasks to tomorrow afternoon, because I have work tomorrow morning.  This might sound hippie dippy, but I did some anti-anxiety meditation before I was able to get stuck into it. I've been carrying around a lot of stress, anger and pain this year. With the apartment, selling our house and my health issues. I'm finding that I have dark days where I cannot see into the future, I cannot see happy times, only the pain and disappointment and frustration that we are currently dealing with. And the control freak in me hates that so many things are out of my control right now. So I listened to a youtuber who gave me permission to let those issues go. If not for tonight when I'm trying to fall asleep, at least for the moment when I'm trying to get some work done.  I know that years are arbitrary measures of time. But I am so done with 2017. I can't wait for the end of the year and I really do want to start of the new year fresh, with a sold house, an apartment we can move into and my RA under some level of control. It's almost midnight! Good night!