I used to be almost proud of my power of procrastination, I'm not anymore, but I'm finding out that old habits die hard. I think, for me, a lot of it comes from my inability to balance my life. I'm either working hard and burning myself out or exhausted and falling asleep - at which point I give myself permission to have some downtime. When you have a chronic illness like rheumatoid arthritis rest can get addictive. There is another level to it, I need to find the motivation to do the work and push through the pain. I think that I've spent a lot of my life in denial about how RA impacts on my energy levels. You've got to face the physical limitations and build your world around what you can/can't do physically. But the energy thing is really popping up as an issue this year. It might be because my RA has not been controlled well at all this year. I sit down to write something and fall asleep. I have every intention of going into my research site to do some writing, but I hear bad news before I go and that burns through my energy before I get the chance to leave the house. Below is an outline of something called the 'spoon theory' which basically explains how people with chronic illness need to prioritise how they use their energy. It's a good thing to know about if you have a loved one with a chronic illness. Especially if they come across as flakey or cancel on you a lot, often they hate it as much as you do, if not more.
The flip side of all this is that everything that I have achieved in my life so far I have done with rheumatoid arthritis. I've had it since 1987. Admitting that I've been feeling the fatigue more this year just feels like I am "making up" excuses. I'm always going to have RA so if I want to do this, if I want my PhD, then I just need to do it. I just wish my biologic would kick in.
tomorrow (noun) a mystical land where 99% of all human productivity, motivation and achievement is stored
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