2018 family holiday part one: Darwin

Much to my distress I still had the flu all the way up until when we went to Darwin. I didn't get to go out for dinner with Ri while Mum watched the kids, as planned. 

Mid July our family of four took my Mum to Darwin to spread my grandparents' ashes. My grandparents died in the 1990s, little did Mum know, my Aunty kept their ashes in her home instead of taking them to the place they wished to be scattered. Which was Darwin. I was born in Darwin and my grandparents moved from Melbourne to Darwin to help Mum raise me when she fell pregnant during nursing school (oh the scandal!). She was 29. Had been married for 10 years. Yet my existence was still a wee bit of a surprise. 

Grandma passed away first. I only have 3 or 4 vivid memories, the rest are just a sense. I remember having a milkshake she'd made and thinking it was the best most comforting thing. Like a hug. Made with love. 

Grandpa died 5-6 years after Grandma so I have more memories. He was the very definition of curmudgeonly. He and my younger brother locked horns a bit. From my point of view it was mostly just funny to watch. 

We left Darwin to move to Adelaide when I was Immy's age and my little brother was Archie's age. I liked how that worked out. My goal was to give Mum a week in Darwin with two happy healthy children. I enjoyed hearing about Mum's life in Darwin. 

Darwin was so beautiful. It was the first time I have been crushed by the sacrifice that my parents made. They moved so far. To help me. They left friends and a lifestyle behind. For me. I can't imagine Immy being that sick. I can't imagine being told she most likely won't survive past the age of 16. I'm so lucky. To have my selfless parents and my healthy daughter. 

Much to the surprise of me and my Mum. We had a great time. I love my Mum. But we get on each others nerves. We can't live together... we bicker so much. 

I didn't have a very big list of things to do. My to do list was: 

Scatter ashes, feed fish, see litchfield park, ?zoo, ?croc farm, DONT BICKER WITH MUM.

We managed to fill up a week with activities and it was brilliant. 

I don't know if I'll ever go back. But I'm glad Grandma and Grandpa finally get to rest where they wished to be left to rest in peace. 

 

Influenza A

I just need to wait. 

I'm exhausted. It's been just over a week of the flu.

Coughing, headaches, fevers. 

I can't think straight.

 I can't recruit.

I'm pretty contagious, most people I've come in contact with have caught it.

I'm so frustrated. 

Seventh birthday party

Emoji Party

Seven years ago I was at the Royal, about to spend my fourth night in hospital because of high blood pressure, the original reason for my admission, which was followed up with early labour. The Drs managed to stop the early labour on the 23rd. On the 24th (today is the 24th) they set the date for my daughters birth, moved forward from July 8th to late June. 

She was born at 36 weeks and 4 days and she was just fine. She was born screaming, like most babies. I can still remember the moment they put her on my chest. I said "hello" and she stopped crying and tried to look at me, with her dark, almost black, eyes. She couldn't get her eyes to look in the same direction for the first couple of days. She eventually got the hang of it. Her eyes eventually lightened through shade of teal, they are now light blue, almost grey in some lights. They're beautiful. 

 

I, like most mums, like to reflect on this first cuddle and how our world changed that day. 

I know I'm biased, but she's just such a great kid.

She's kind. 

She's thoughtful. 

She believes in justice, she tries to make the world a more fair place. 

She's so happy. 

She's creative. 

She loves to sing.

She loves gymnastic. 

Her memory is amazing. 

I'm still in awe of her now, like I was on that first day.  

The first time we were left alone in the hospital room, I remember sitting next to her cot and I explained to her how I wasn't like other mums. That I'd had rheumatoid arthritis since I was two years old. I explained that I wasn't sure how on earth I was going to manage this whole mum gig. But I promised to do my best, but I'd probably need her help along the way. 

She's been Mummy's little helper from the start. Like instinctively she knew that she needed to help me out. Small things like arching her back when I went to pick her up as a small baby, crawling to me in a chair and standing up to help me pick her up from the ground when she was 6m-7m. She's always been very physically strong, I think it part because she's had to be. 

I can't believe she's already seven years old. Well almost. 

My Messy Home

My very own super hero

Have you seen those super hero movies where even the super hero has to make a choice? Like in Superman when Superman could only stop one of the two missiles that Lex sent in different directions or in Batman where Batman is presented with saving Robin or Dr Chase Meridian. They're both able to eventually save everyone by spinning the globe in the opposite direction or using high tech gadgets and ropes. As I get older I'm beginning to feel less like a super hero. I'm beginning to tell myself that it's okay to make a choice. I don't have to do everything. 

So I'm letting somethings go.

My rheumatoid arthritis is so severe that I cannot bend down and touch the ground, so to pick up toys I have to use a pick up stick (which can't grip everything) or balance and use my toes to pick things up. When the kids were younger I used to try to clean up the days messes the best I could using that method. It's exhausting. 

Two years ago I decided to start my PhD, I also work part time and I'm doing my best to be a happy present parent. My cleaning has always been far from perfect, but I've long ago decided to let it go. 

 I've had someone tell me I should stop working so hard on my PhD and put more energy into keeping the house tidy. It made me wonder why it's my job. If I was a man with rheumatoid arthritis I doubt these expectations would be placed on my shoulders. 

My priority will always be my children and them having a happy childhood. Our choices may mean that it's going to be a bit messy. I hope they forgive me. 

And if you're coming over, please excuse the mess. 

And now for something a little bit different

My Uni

I'm a little bit tired of recruiting. So I'm delighted to be doing something different thing week. I'm been given the opportunity to mark some exams for one of my supervisors and I'm actually really enjoying it. It's currently Friday night and I'm hoping to have 79 exams marked by Wednesday. Oh and it's my daughters seventh birthday party this weekend. And I'm visiting a participant on the morning of the party because no other time suited the participant and my drop out rate has been devastating me (I really appreciate their time - I'm in no way complaining about them giving up their time for me, I'm just commenting on being busy). I've downloaded a handful of apps to try and find one that helps me organise my projects/tasks; both personal and professional. I'm hoping to write a post about my experiences soon. 

This weekend will have to be run with military precision. I'm excited that my baby is turning seven, I'm also appreciating the new task of marking, oh so much. Taking bets as to when I'll be over it. 

The count down is on 'til my long service starts - 3 weeks to go!

Rawr

QLD museum

My family does not adhere to gender norms very well. And sometimes it hurts. My son is very attached to his Daddy, like a lot of children get very attached to Mum. "Only Mum will do."

Except it's not Mum. It's Dad. I'm currently lying in bed at midnight, feeling rejected. As only Dad will do. 

Alas, Ri is out tonight with some mates, something that he basically never gets to do. So it's just me and the kids for the evening. Everything went fine until we reached the end of story time and it was time to go to sleep. My almost-seven-year old said goodnight and immediately fell asleep. My son, my four year old, my Arch, begged me to sleep next to him. When I snuggled in next to him he started screaming for me to get out. Only Daddy would do. And my heart still hurts. 

Arch ended up coming to my room, apologising and asking me to come back and lie next to him while he fell asleep. After begging me for Daddy, one more time.

I've always taken great pride in Ri's parenting, he is amazing with our children. And me feeling insufficient as a Mum has nothing to do with him being amazing. 

I'm feeling tired and anxious in myself, it was hard not to burst into tears and let the four year old know in no uncertain terms how he hurt my feelings. But I honestly don't think it's Archie. 

So I swallowed my pride, put him to sleep... and wrote a blog post about it instead. 

 

Long service

Me in Rome September 2010

 In just over a month I'm going on long service leave. And in a twist  that is surprising for me/any one who knows me, we're not using that time to travel. My husband and I have been to around 30 countries together and the kids have been to 7. I'm trying to keep Immy's country count above her age. 

I had thought that my long service would be used to visit Ri's father in France, but I think Archie is a year or two away from being ready to go to Europe (and not make our lives miserable). 

I know that I don't have to take my leave, but I feel as though I'm at a turning point and I need to focus on my research for a few months.  Will I miss my clinical role too much? Or can I leave it behind? I honestly don't know. 

I'm just recovering from another episode of imposter syndrome, I worry that if I leave my clinical job, that all I'll have left is that feeling that I'm in over my head. On the other side of that coin, for what equates to one day a week of pay, my clinical job takes quite a bit of energy (I find myself thinking about my patients a lot). 

I've got too many balls in the air and something has got to give. So I'm going on leave. 

Pain and fear

My left shoulder hurts.
It hurts a lot.
It hurts so much that I've decided to stay home from my sister in law's birthday dinner.
Not something that I do lightly.

Having had RA since 1987 I am not new to pain. But I'm new to staying home when it's getting too much and allowing myself time to rest.

I've started looking into shoulder replacements. I've had my hips and knees replaced in 2001 and 2003 respectively. I've always been of the opinion that hip and knee replacements are better quality than shoulder replacements.
And even if the technology has improved, the thought of getting a replacement now is different to when I was looking at getting my hips replaced.
I was sixteen when I got my hips replaced and I knew everything would work out for the best. I didn't consider the things that could go wrong. I literally blocked my ears singing *lalalalalala* when my surgeon listed the risks prior to the surgery. My logic was if I didn't know what could happen then it wouldn't. Flawless logic, I know.
But now I'm afraid. What if something happens? What if I'm left with nerve damage?
What if I got an infection and died? Is it worth leaving my kids behind?
I've gone from one extreme to another.

So the next step will probably be to get another direct into the joint injection.

Some of my favourite quotes...

I think my work space/s are missing quotes. Inspirational quotes to motivate me during my monthly freak outs. The problem is I find a lot of quotes cheesy to too serious. Come with me on an adventure on google to find a nice quote...

Quote one: I like this one as my mother is always going on about phones...

“I've come up with a set of rules that describe our reactions to technologies:
1. Anything that is in the world when you’re born is normal and ordinary and is just a natural part of the way the world works.
2. Anything that's invented between when you’re fifteen and thirty-five is new and exciting and revolutionary and you can probably get a career in it.
3. Anything invented after you're thirty-five is against the natural order of things.”

Quote two: From the book Goodnight stories for Rebel girls. I just love cake  too. 

 

Quote three: one of my favourites because her words are being remembered...

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” 
― Maya Angelou

Quote four: this is just true 

We accept the love we think we deserve.” 
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Quote five: oh I think I like this one

People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.-Zig Ziglar

PhD parent: guilt

Mother's guilt

To be honest it isn't something that I experienced before I started my research. I started when my daughter was four and my son was two. I've always felt as though I am doing my best to be the best mum that I can be. Sure we get a lot of (much appreciated) help from their grandparents, but I've always justified that as being good for the kids and our parents. 

But this year, I don't feel as though I am putting in sufficient mum hours. I can often be found on a laptop, distracted. I find it easier to assess some participants on the weekends. Some weeks I feel like I barely get to have a conversation with my kids that isn't "have you done your homework?" "where are your shoes" "brush your hair" "what do you want for dinner?".

This is my dream and when it is going well it seems like it is worth it. But doing those bad weeks I feel like I am wasting their childhoods. They're only little once, after all.

Every year I try to make sure that we go on holidays for at least two weeks, to spend time together as a family. And I try to get to school events when I can. But I'm not exactly a part of the P&C. 

I'm trying. 

Writing every day

Look at the cute puppy - our cavoodle Chester

"Just know everything." - My high school chemistry teacher. 

At this point in time, the easiest option would be to just sit down and read for a month straight - or as long as it takes to just know everything about what I am doing.
Being a part time PhD student is really taking it's toll on me this year. I'm finding it harder to stay on track, keep things in my mind and switch between my clinical job and research. Not to mention parenting and dealing with my rheumatoid arthritis and all the joys that come with that.

I've been recruiting this year, and I like to think that I'm good with people, but I have to say that the drop out rate this month has been beyond disheartening. I've had some highs and lows this year and the unpredictable nature of the next low keeps me up some nights.
I've made some big changes to my project in the last month. I've spoken to another statistician who has encouraged me to frame my research project as an exploratory study. Instead of testing a hypothesis I am developing one. Which makes sense to me.
With every month that passes I am learning more. Sometimes growing in confidence, sometimes being swallowed by anxiety. Sometimes I hear myself saying something and think *ooo that sounded clever*, other times I am a deer in the headlights, red hot with embarrassment and positive I am only capable of speaking nonsense.

I'm applying to take long service from my clinical job to focus on my research. I'm not sure what will happen next.